10 Tips for Fighting Fair
We’ve all been there.
We get in a heated argument with someone. We might go into it with all of the levelheadedness in the world, but in the blink of an eye, it’s gone. We start seeing red, and there’s one thing— and only one thing— on our minds: We want to win, and we’ll do anything to make that happen. The screaming, the purple face, throwing sticks and stones, the whole nine yards.
Healthy Fighting
Disagreements are a part of life, but it’s important to know how to negotiate conflict for the wellbeing of your relationships. There are ways to engage in healthy fights without being hurtful or inflicting damage on your relationships.
Fair fighting is the solution and will give you the tools to manage conflict and the feelings that come with it. This can be difficult when you’re certain that you’re point of view is the right point of view (aren’t we all), but remember: The person you’re engaged in conflict with is probably thinking the exact same thing.
Read: How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships for more insight into why you might be fighting with your significant other.
10 Tips For Fighting Fair
- Maintain emotional control. We’re just going to start with the hardest one of all because, well, why not. Fighting isn’t fun, and it can cause a lot of anxiety. Even worse, things can escalate before anyone knows what really happened, so it’s important to be mindful of your emotions when engaged in conflict. A great rule of thumb is to never raise your voice because it will be tempting for the other person to do the same, and nobody wants a screaming match. If things do get out of control, suggest a short break to both gain control of your emotions and rationale again.
- Don’t be afraid of conflict. Remember, things that go unsaid and stifled will only resurface uglier later on. Facing the problem early on is the most effective way to avoid a blowout down the road.
- Stay on topic. The temptation to bring every qualm and gripe you have about the other person into the current argument is real. I get it: I mean, while you’re here, you might as well bring up that your significant other forgot to take the garbage out for the last two weeks and has been on their phone too much lately and, and, and… right? Wrong! Now is not the time. Stay focused on the real issue at hand to avoid a volcanic eruption.
- Make understanding your main priority. Even if your partner or friend really messed up, they’re just like you: They just want to be heard and understood. Stay calm and take time to see things from their point of view, even if you aren’t in the wrong.
- Ex-nay the blame game. I promise you this: Pointing fingers does nothing for the wellbeing of the relationship. All it does is drag the argument out much longer than necessary and promote poor self-esteem.
- Be willing to compromise. It doesn’t matter who is “right” or “wrong” so much as it matters that you come out of this argument both intact. Play your part in that end game and be willing to be flexible, listen to the needs of your partner or friend, and try to come up with a solution that makes both parties happy.
- Avoid fighting when you’re exhausted. It’s no secret that the claws come out when we’re short on sleep. Our self-control falls by the wayside (much like it does when we get “hangry”), and we might have a tendency to lash out.
- Don’t bring someone else into the fight. Keep your fights between you and the person you’re in relationship with. While it’s okay to confide in your mom or best friend, it’s not okay to bring their opinions into the actual argument. This will only serve to make your partner feel ganged up on.
- Have a laugh! Humor is a fantastic way to break up the tension if your partner is one of those people that responds well to jokes. (If not, please avoid Step 9!)
- Keep your assumptions in another room. Don’t think that you can read the other person’s mind. Listen openly and cast what you think you know to be true to the side.
Most importantly, remember that being happy is more important than being right. It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, but the real goal is to find a successful resolution and become closer in your relationship with the other person.
If you feel like you’re fighting unfairly or with frequency in your relationship, please contact me today. Professional help can be ever so helpful in gaining perspective and helping you practice fair fighting.
