Competition in Relationships: Healthy or Unhealthy?
Everyone loves some friendly competition, dating all the way back to winning your very first soccer match or playing four square in the second grade, somehow managing to stay the king for the entire recess. Your desire to win carried beyond adolescence was motivation, propelling you toward the promotion at work, the college scholarship, or the big trophy in your high school hallway. Although healthy competition has a time and a place, it is important to remember that relationships don’t fall under any time or place. Relationships, simply put, aren’t for sport.
Determining Between Healthy and Unhealthy
Competition in relationships is most often a direct reflection of insecurities, an unhealthy assertion that fosters hostility and resentment. If you or your partner look to detract from each other’s achievements, constantly criticizing every move, unhealthy competition has found its way in.
Of course, in any relationship, it is important to motivate each other and push your partner to be the best version of themselves. But, that isn’t competition. It turns to competition when it stops being about what you can achieve together, and starts being about the success you accomplish as two separate individuals. And when that happens, no one wins.
If you are with the right person, your successes should be celebrated together. When you share a genuine connection, seeing the other succeed should bring you joy. Your actions should never come from a place of anger, envy, or insecurity. In fact, that is a tell-tale sign that your relationship is being negatively affected by the toxic behaviors and unhealthy habits that so often come with a highly competitive nature.
A relationship that relies too heavily on competition doesn’t have a strong foundation. And if your foundation is weak, then it becomes difficult to nurture your connection. Growth falls by the wayside, and that is not healthy. Take note when you or your partner’s thought patterns and behaviors are motivated instead by what you can do for yourself, rather than what you can do for each other.
4 Things You Can Do to Say Goodbye to Competition in Your Relationship
Find an outlet. Challenge each other to go for a run. Play a game of Uno. Look for ways you can push each other to succeed in a healthy way.
Prioritize communication and work as a team. Competition is the big neon orange ‘road closed’ sign that stands between you and your partner establishing communication. If you find yourself secretly trying to one-up your partner and surprise them with your latest success, your relationship will not be able to prosper.
Go to therapy. Every relationship needs to set boundaries and counseling could be the key to forming some of those healthy habits. Hope is not lost just because there is competition in your relationship!
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do your emotions come from a place of anger when your partner succeeds?
- Is your motivation a source of jealousy or insecurity?
- Do you and your partner have difficulty reaching a compromise or finding a solution?
- Do you feel as though you cannot be confident in your relationship?
- Do you find yourselves keeping score?
If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, it might be a sign that competition is hindering your relationships. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you find yourself engaging in any of these behaviors or struggling with competition. Together, we can repair any past damage done in your relationships by saying goodbye to unhealthy competition and hello to a new chapter of growth.
