Become the Person You Want to Attract
Let me get this straight: You want the picket fence, but you pick the significant others who can’t stand the thought of children, much less having children of his or her own. Or you want someone who will hop in the passenger seat on a whim and go road-tripping through Yosemite with you, but you date corporate 9-5ers wound tighter than a corkscrew spring. Or you crave emotional stability and financial security in a partner, but you date flighty artist types who gaslight you.
Dating is hard enough as it is, so what gives? Why do you seem to be attracting the exact opposite of what you want in a life partner?
While the adage “It’s not you, it’s me” can feel harsh, it has some truth to it if you find yourself in this scenario over and over again. Often, when we are looking for something in someone else, it is because we have yet to find it in ourselves. This is when we start looking in the wrong places and attracting the wrong types.
Luckily, you can put an end to the stream of toxic significant others with this one fix: Become the person you want to attract.
Adopting A Values-Based Approach to Dating
Now, before you go quitting your position at the law firm to pursue the nomadic life because you crave adventure in a partner, or you start chasing a dream that isn’t yours just to have the financial stability you hope for in a significant other, hear me out on the logic of this: You cannot ask someone else to be what you are not.
You can’t demand someone make 100K a year if you yourself don’t even pay your bills on time. You can’t hope to find someone who wants kids if you’re not setting yourself up for a life that would accommodate that immense responsibility, nor can you set your dating app profile to searching for a religious individual when you haven’t gone to church in years. It would simply be unfair, wouldn’t it?
Instead, you can seek to align your own values with the values you find important in a life partner. The law of attraction isn’t just some “woo-woo,” New Thought philosophy that has no merit. It’s true; we hold the power to attract certain things based on the thoughts, actions, and values that we are putting out into the world.
Think of it this way: If you think fearful thoughts about bombing a big client presentation, you are probably going to bomb that presentation because you fixated on it long enough to convince yourself. The same goes for finding a life partner: someone who loves you, cherishes you, and sees eye-to-eye on the big ticket items. If you live out what you hope your someday partner is living out, you will attract him or her. In fact, when you become the person of your dreams, you won’t even think about those toxic types you were dating before.
As if this values-based approach wasn’t powerful enough, it also comes with an insurance policy. When relationships fall apart, it is most often because there is a disparity in values. For example, couples who fight about money generally have one partner who is a spender and the other is a saver. Instead, when your values align, there is a sense of mutual appreciation for one another that results in long-lasting compatibility.
How to Become the Person of Your Dreams
Start by taking stock of what you truly want in the person that you are hoping to spend forever with. Then, be realistic: You will not change yourself overnight, nor should you contort yourself to inauthentic values or patterns just because you think you want those in a life partner. Assess that list carefully and then brainstorm action items that can bring you closer to alignment of those values.
For example, if you value financial security but aren’t living it out yourself, start by creating a budget and programming all of your bills to auto-pay to avoid late fees. If you value a physically fit significant other but have some work to do in that department yourself, start by working out thirty minutes a day and making changes to your diet. If you are seeking someone who values family ideals but you haven’t called your mom in three weeks, start there: Give her a ring.
Put the law of attraction into action and see what a significant difference it makes. Most importantly, don’t fixate on finding your other half. Become the best version of yourself and he or she will come along because you attracted him or her to you by simply being yourself.
If you find yourself in repeated toxic relationships or engaging in unhealthy patterns, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I would be honored to help you learn to love yourself before seeking to love someone else.
