Communicating Your Needs in a Relationship
Let’s get right down to it with a big dose of truth: Communicating your needs in a relationship does not make you “needy.”
That might come as a surprise to you, and that’s a problem! For some reason, there is a stigma surrounding asking for what you need in a relationship, when truthfully, it should be the other way around. Being able to communicate your needs in a relationship is evidence that you are invested in making your relationship work for the long haul, rather than silencing your needs and, as a result, inviting hardships into your relationship. It is a sign of selflessness because it shows faith in your significant other’s ability to meet those needs, while also proving that you value your own self-worth enough to speak them into existence. A healthy relationship is one where you feel safe voicing your thoughts free of judgment, and frankly, anything that does not provide you that on a consistent basis is damaging to your sense of value.
A Crash Course in Assessing Your Needs
Before we get to the good part (how to communicate your needs), let’s talk about how to even know what those needs are. You might find yourself discontent in your relationship, but pinpointing the reason why is often easier said than done.
Many people will express satisfaction about their relationship overall, and therefore decide that it isn’t worth speaking up about issues at a microlevel. For example, maybe the fact that your partner rarely helps out around the house bothers you, but he or she truly makes you happy otherwise, so it doesn’t seem like much of a going concern. Or maybe you’d like for your partner to show you more physical affection outside of the bedroom, but that feels high maintenance and like a “can of worms” not worth opening.
But, no matter how “trivial” these things feel to you, casting them aside can have you on the fast track to resenting your partner. As a result, it is imperative to do regular self-reflection on your relationship.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself when reflecting on your relationship:
- If I could have anything I wanted in my relationship— anything at all— what would it be?
- How would it feel to obtain that?
- What would our relationship look like with this added or altered element?
- What irks me about my relationship or my partner on a regular basis?
- When do I experience low self-esteem in my relationship, and can I target why that is?
Once you think you would be able to clearly articulate your needs, you’re ready to actually do it.
Tips & Tricks for the Big Conversation
- First and absolutely foremost, remind yourself that you are worthy of having your needs met. You are not weak; you are not needy… you are worthy.
- Find a time where neither you or your partner are stressed, so as to eliminate reactions that aren’t true to the conversation.
- Utilize “I” statements to describe the observations from your point of view to eliminate sounding accusatory. For example, “I noticed that you seem distracted when I talk to you at the end of the day.”
- Describe how that observation makes you feel. To continue with the above example: “When it looks like you aren’t hearing a word I say, it makes me feel insignificant. Catching up on our day is important to me.”
- Clearly articulate what you need. For example, “I need you to make a more concerted effort to participate in conversations with me, or tell me if you don’t have the time or energy to talk at that time.” By being straightforward, you eliminate the likelihood that anything is misconstrued or the discussion has to happen again a few weeks later.
At the end of the day, remember that you should never feel ashamed to articulate your needs in a relationship, romantic or otherwise. Relationships and friendships are a two way street and often require consistent maintenance to keep them healthy. Contact me today if you need help navigating your relationships and feeling confident communicating your needs.
