How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships
Humor me for a second: Think about your relationship with relationships.
Do you jump in headfirst with reckless abandon, just to find that your partner isn’t near as invested in you? Perhaps you blame “commitment issues” on your tendency to run from relationships, despite how much you want to be with someone. You might even find yourself in the same situation with different partners time and time again, but can’t seem to pinpoint why.
Well, you can blame that on your parents.
Now that I have your attention, hear me out: According to attachment theory, we can all attribute how we interact in our social and romantic relationships— at least in part— to how our parents loved us at an early age. Attachment theory proposes that we all develop one of the four attachment styles early on in life based on how our needs were met as children. It’s human nature to seek nurturing and support in every stage of our life, but especially when we are babies and can’t meet those needs ourselves. If our needs weren’t met with consistency, we likely have carried these effects well into adulthood through emotionally challenging behaviors and thought patterns.
If this sounds like you, know that this can be repaired with intentional effort and resolve. The first step is getting familiar with the basics and understanding the attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is the desired attachment style, and man, it would make love a lot easier if we all possessed it. Reality television would go out of business entirely, and reading the tabloids would be a lot less enticing. This style occurs when our physical and emotional needs were met as children because our caregivers were attuned to our needs, even when those needs weren’t clearly expressed.
Adults with a secure relationship style possess the ability to depend on and trust their partner, while also letting their partners rely on them in turn. While they thrive in their relationships, they also are okay with being alone. They tend to maintain a positive view of both themselves and their partners and don’t struggle with emotional closeness.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment originates from an inconsistency in nurturing and care from parents. While the child might have been comforted at times, it was often only for the adult’s benefit. Other times, the child would look for comfort and come up empty. This caused the child to constantly look to the adult because they knew that the comfort would come eventually, even if the motive wasn’t right.
Anxious attachment is especially present in relationships where someone’s whole world revolves around their partner. Being alone generates high levels of anxiety, and there is an ever-looming fear of abandonment. The anxiously attached individual needs approval, support, and attention from their partner and often finds that all of this is the “cure” for any and all anxiety.
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
Avoidant attachment exists in people who were entirely on their own in childhood. They had to learn to fend for themselves quickly as a matter of survival, and they in turn gave up entirely on reassurance. They found their caregivers to be unreliable, and so, they adapted.
This individual is strong, independent, and self-sufficient to a fault. Rather than possessing and balancing these qualities, these characteristics overwhelm and make emotional bonds difficult. This person typically believes they don’t need anyone else to feel complete and depending on others is a weakness. Adults with this attachment style will likely avoid emotional closeness and remain distant out of preservation.
Repairing Relationships
While each attachment style is categorized pretty clearly, it’s important to note that they are not black and white. As we grow, we evolve and adapt, and so too might our attachment styles. More importantly, your attachment style is not a life sentence. It can be changed with diligence and therapy. In fact, this awareness of which attachment style you or your partner might have is an opportunity to experience the love and emotional closeness you so desperately want, need, and deserve.
Contact me today if this article sparked your interest and made you want to explore your attachment style and work towards secure attachment.
