Peace is the New Sexy
Whether it be friends, family, or significant others, our tribes are filled to the brim with people who care about us and require certain amounts of our time and attention. Along with this comes an innate responsibility to help keep the peace in our relationships. Of course, “it takes two to tango,” as they say, but in this post, we are going to talk about the part that you personally play in that dance.
If you think about it, we spend more of our time engaging in these meaningful relationships than we do on our own. Consider the sheer number of text messages you receive from your friends in a given day and the number of coffee dates you schedule with them in a month. Or the number of times your mother calls you in a week. Even how often you interact with your significant other on a daily basis!
That’s a lot of peace to keep, so I have compiled 6 helpful tips for how to encourage peace in all of your relationships:
- Know when to speak up and when to let it go.
There’s no question that there is a time and a place to stand your ground in a relationship. If an issue tends to come up time and time again, or you found yourself deeply hurt by something that was said, odds are good this is an instance where it might be worth speaking up.
But there are also going to be a host of opportunities where “letting it go” might be your best bet: If your significant other forgot to do last night’s dishes in her rush to leave for work, maybe you don’t need to give her a hard time. If your friend made a joke that got under your skin, but it is clear he meant well, assess whether you are being oversensitive, and consider just letting it slide. If your husband unknowingly interrupts your Zoom conference call while you’re working from home, maybe it’s not worth the eye roll.
Relationship psychologist John Gottman consistently reports that at their core, unsuccessful relationships often experience an insistence to resolve every. single. issue. On the other hand, he found that many successful couples actually have continued unresolved issues that come up every now and again, as they work to improve together. Isn’t that something?
Before you act out of anger, think about it: Is this one really worth the fight?
2. Use Gottman’s approach to managing a current conflict that does need addressed.
Start by taking a 15-20 minute break, especially if both people in the relationship are on edge. Take a lap; do some deep breathing to slow your heart rate; do what you need to do. When you each return (calm by this point, I hope), give one person “the floor.” Keep your tone soft and curious, using “I” statements that express what you hope to gain from the resolution. No accusations, no raised voices… Just calm and collected repair attempts that involve:
- acknowledging the other person’s statements (“I hear you,” “That makes sense,” etc.)
- communicating receptive body language
- maintaining consistent eye contact
- maybe even adding some selective humor in to remind you both that your relationship is based on happiness above all else.
3. Spend time apart. (For the love of all things good, give each other some space!)
We all know that one friend who gets involved in a new relationship, romantic or otherwise, and forgets all about, well, everyone else. (Uh oh, is ‘that one friend’ you?) That’s okay; it happens! In fact, it is entirely natural. The level of infatuation that happens when a person is excited about a new relationship is actually comparable to the chemical high of drugs, so yeah… it’s some strong stuff!
Regardless, it is ever so important in relationships to maintain a certain level of independence, taking time for your (other) friends and hobbies, going on a trip alone— reminding yourself that you are your own person, after all.
Think of it like a fire: Without oxygen, the fire will go out in a hurry. With oxygen, the flame will burn higher.
4. Accept the other person’s flaws.
I hate to break it to you, but the other person in your romantic relationship, friendship, what-have you, is going to have a flaw or four. (News flash: So will you.) But one of the beautiful things about relationships is choosing to enter into this unspoken contractual agreement, choosing to love and respect someone despite their flaws. Whatever you do, don’t nitpick and try to change someone. Instead, reframe it as part of the reason why you care for them so much.
5. Master the art of the apology.
This doesn’t mean you should become a chronic ‘sorry-sayer.’ Over-apologizing is not grounds for a healthy relationship, but recognizing when you are wrong and admitting fault is. Set that pride aside, and apologize when the situation calls for it.
On the other side of the token, also learn how to accept an apology. Even if you are still angry at the time of someone’s genuine apology, try to remember that they mean what they say, and you can work on your unresolved anger on your own time. What matters most in that moment is keeping frustration at bay and working towards resolving the issue at hand in the long run.
6. When in doubt, remember why you love them.
As I mentioned before, you chose to enter into a relationship with someone for a reason— you love and care for them deeply. Whenever tensions run high or keeping the peace seems like a fool’s errand, make a list (in your head or on a piece of paper, whatever works for you) of reasons that you love this person. It is amazing what speaking positivity into a negative space will do for you and your relationships.
All in all, remember that, while turmoil in relationships of all kinds is inevitable, it is often also avoidable. Do what you can to keep the peace, and remember: Help with navigating your relationships is always just a phone call away.
RESOURCES:
6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic
The Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach to Relationships
