4 Ways to Improve Your Interdependence
You’ve heard the old adage, “The only person you can count on is yourself,” right?
Well, while this statement has some truth to it, it is also laced with significant downsides. Yes, it’s important to love yourself and be self-sufficient, but if the pendulum swings too far towards extreme self-reliance, you might struggle connecting in your relationships. Excessive independence in both romantic and platonic relationships can rob us of authentic intimacy and the type of deep connection that we crave.
One of the most essential parts of having healthy relationships is overcoming unhealthy self-reliance and developing interdependence, allowing you to receive the love you deserve while still remaining in control of your own person.
How Does Excessive Independence Happen?
The inability to let love in can be the product of a number of different things, all of which can be repaired with diligence and the help of a mental health professional. One of these instances is childhood trauma— When a child is raised in an environment where love is only paired with fear or punishment, the child will often learn to simply go without love. This results in an ambivalent attachment style, often characterized by this extreme independence we are talking about, and this is a lonely, tiresome way to live.
Alternatively, extreme self-reliance is often largely driven by fear: fear of being controlled, fear of being trapped in obligation, fear of losing sight of who you are amidst being so caught up in the other person, or fear of a repeated pattern of hurt. All of these fears are valid, and if you struggle with any of them, you are not alone. So many individuals have a hard time releasing their independence in relationships because of past wrongs done to them or anxiety over what could go wrong.
Regardless of your history, you can learn to let love in and develop interdependence in your relationships. And remember: This does not mean you are entirely letting go of your independence… You are simply learning how to maintain a healthy level of independence that allows you to receive love and prosper in your relationships.
4 Ways to Improve Your Interdependence
- Take ownership. This might sound like a no-brainer, but awareness is key to absolutely any change in life. True ownership isn’t just admitting that your independence interferes in your relationships, but pinpointing the source. Take stock: What are my fears surrounding relationships? How do these fears manifest in my relational attitudes and behaviors? Where did these thought patterns originate?
- Resist the self-reliance in the moment. Maintain the awareness you worked hard to gain in Step 1, and try to resist that constant need for independence when you see it rearing its head. Instead of biting off more than you can chew and trying to do this in all areas of your relationship, start by focusing on one particular instance. For example, do you struggle letting your partner pay for a date because you fear it makes you seem weak? Next time you go on a date, hone in on your ability to release control just for a moment.
- Speak positive persuasion into your life. Remind yourself that it is not a show of weakness to accept love and help from others; it is healthy and allows you to exist more freely in your relationships.
- Develop a joint agreement policy in your relationship. This means that both people in a relationship decide in advance that no decision that affects both people will be made unless both people are in enthusiastic agreement. (Note the use of the word ‘enthusiastic’… If you give in just to avoid a quarrel, it doesn’t count!) This makes it so that both individuals feel comfortable with the happenings in a relationship— everything from where you’re going to spend Christmas this year to where you’re going to eat before the hockey game on Saturday night.
Dependence is not a dirty word. While it evokes images of weakness and insecurity in our culture, it is actually a show of strength to be able to release your independence and let love in. It allows you to enter into intimacy and explore parts of yourself that you didn’t even know existed before.
If you struggle with self-reliance, please contact me today. And remember: It’s okay to be vulnerable and let people see who you really are. You’re worthy of receiving love.
