Defend Your Peace: Setting and Keeping Boundaries
Let’s be real: Boundaries are hard. We all talk about setting better boundaries in our New Year’s resolutions, but when it comes down to it, there are so many opposing forces keeping us from staying true to them!
For example, you might like to set boundaries with your phone. You’re tired of feeling attached at the hip to your iPhone, fielding client phone calls at every hour or scrolling through Instagram during every hour in between because you have severe FOMO (fear of missing out). But then you start to worry about how putting your phone in the other room might affect your life negatively: Wait, what if I miss an important client call and lose that client? What if my friend thinks I’m ignoring them because I choose to prioritize my mental health over being available every minute of every day? What if people are out doing things without me while I’m watching the latest episode of Love Island, for goodness sakes?!
Or for another example: You have gotten burned out by constantly saying “yes” to anything anybody needs from you. You decide to start saying “no” more often, but then fear sets in. You can’t help but think that people will be disappointed in you. You start to place your value in your people-pleasing tendencies, and next thing you know, you’re saying “yes” to everything that is asked of you, even when it compromises your own mental health.
In both examples, there is a vicious and unhealthy cycle at play. You have every intention of maintaining these boundaries in pursuit of being kinder to yourself, but fear interjects and makes you feel ashamed.
Enough is enough. You have the courage within you to set AND keep these boundaries. Now it’s just time to learn how to do the latter.
4 Tips For Maintaining Boundaries
- Put a definitive name to each of your limitations. You might recognize things aren’t as they should be, and you need to set some boundaries, but if you don’t know where exactly you stand, good boundaries will be difficult to set. Consider what you can tolerate and accept, as well as what makes you feel stressed on a consistent basis. Pay attention to the level of stress you experience, and put them on a continuum from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest level of stress or anxiety. If you’re at the higher end, it’s time to take a deeper look at what exactly is causing your discontentment.
- Give yourself permission. Above all else, remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. You are allowed to pursue the best version of yourself, and more often than not, setting healthy boundaries is the key to doing so. You are allowed to say no without feeling guilty. You are allowed to do things because they make you feel good and more in tune with your goals and desires, not because you feel obligated to fit others’ picture of you.
- Weigh the impact of your actions versus the action itself. Consider if doing something achieves a substantial and impactful outcome, or if it just drains you of precious energy. For example, if you reply to that client’s email that came into your phone at 10:00 at night, will replying to them immediately really improve your working relationship? Or will replying in the morning achieve the same purpose? If it takes up more time or energy than it’s worth, you are justified in staying firm in your boundaries.
- Practice self-awareness. The key to maintaining boundaries is remaining attuned with your feelings and honoring them accordingly. Ask yourself regularly: What is it about (having my phone with my 24/7) that stresses me out? Why do I feel so resentful towards (people who need something from me), causing me to sacrifice my own wellbeing and mental health? What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?
Read this— ‘The Power of Sitting Still’– to learn more about practicing good mindfulness and self-awareness.
So, this year, when you’re making your New Year’s resolution list for 2021, don’t just add ‘set better boundaries’ as list item #168. Instead, make ‘have the courage to stay firm in my boundaries in pursuit of my most authentic self’ something more like #3 on the list. Give yourself permission to do what is best for you.
