There Is No Right Thing to Say: Helping A Friend Navigate Grief
When a friend loses somebody close to them— whether as a product of a break-up, death, or job loss— it can be incredibly tough to know what to say to them. Nothing about navigating grief bears any resemblance to the girls’ nights in and Friday nights on the town you both are accustomed to, and it can be uncomfortable to know how to help. All you know is that you desperately want to help because this person means a lot to you, and you hate to see them hurting.
Your general discomfort is not unwarranted; in fact, it’s entirely human. We are not predisposed to deal with traumatic events, but we are naturally inclined to want to fix these issues. My hope is, with these guidelines, you might find yourself better equipped to help this friend navigate these uncertain waters.
Do’s and Don’ts of Helping Someone Deal With Grief
Do recognize that there truly is no “right thing to say.” There is very little anyone can say to reconcile the degree of hurt this person is likely experiencing, and this isn’t pressure you should be putting on yourself when it is virtually impossible to have the magic words.
Don’t liken their current hurt to any past hurts you might have experienced, even if you see similarities. No matter how well-intentioned it is, making statements like: “I know how you feel” or “I totally understand what you’re going through” might devalue the person’s current experience and can make them feel like they can no longer safely confide in you.
Do avoid platitudes and clichés. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “It is in God’s plan” can be terribly hard to swallow in a time of such grief. Again, even if they’re well-intentioned, these platitudes encourage the griever to move on quickly rather than take the time to heal.
Don’t avoid talking about the person that is being grieved. If you steer clear of the topic, the griever might actually end up feeling more alone in their loss. In fact, mention the lost person by name and share any memories you might have of them, even if they’re just memories that your friend relayed to you. It will bring your friend comfort to know that you are engaged in remembering this person.
Do ask your friend what they need from you. They might just need you to sit quietly with them while they cry, or perhaps they want to put on a movie and have you sit with them. They might have an easier time talking about their grief in the morning than at night, or maybe they feel comforted by going for a walk and taking deep breaths. Be an active participant in their grieving process, and let them know that you are invested in getting them whatever they need to navigate their loss.
Above all else, the most important thing you can offer to someone grieving a loss is no judgment. Grief is nonlinear, and everyone experiences it in different ways. Some might be visibly forlorn, while others might not. Some might cry, while others might seem to laugh almost inappropriately. Even still, some might choose to cope by talking about it, while others might like to find a welcome distraction.
No matter how this person is grieving, don’t judge them, and if you ever find yourself experiencing grief: Don’t judge yourself either! Your experience is unique to you, and it is entirely justified.
There is no right thing to say. There is only the right thing to do: Be present in whatever way your friend needs to navigate their grief in healthy and natural ways.
