Good Vibes Only: Fueling Toxic Positivity
The rise of the COVID-19 pandemic has brought about a heightened awareness of toxic positivity and subsequent acceptance of vulnerability and honesty. Rather than putting “good vibes only” or “keep on the sunny side” on a pedestal, there is instead a much-needed movement for admitting when you are having a tough time.
Are You (or is Someone You Know) a Poster Child for Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is defined as the excessive overgeneralization of happiness and optimism over just about any situation, and it hinges on the belief that, if a person is positive enough, they will be much happier. It often involves denying and minimizing the authenticity that comes with the emotional human experience, instead trying to fight through it with a smile and a heck of a lot of clichés.
Signs of Toxic Positivity in Yourself or Others:
- You consider yourself an expert at hiding your own feelings.
- You tend to minimize other people’s experiences with “happy-go-lucky” anecdotes and inspirations that hurt more than they help.
- You sometimes shame others for their lack of positivity, often without even meaning to.
- You frequently utter one of the following sayings: “Oh well, it is what it is” or “Everything will be fine!”
- When someone shares their experience with you, you ceaselessly try to give them perspective (i.e. “It could always be worse”), which ultimately ends up diminishing the reality of their situation.
The worst part about toxic positivity is that it’s often ever so well-intentioned, which can mean it often also goes unrecognized. Someone who is toxically positive truly wants the best for everyone around them, but this all too often takes a serious toll on people’s mental health… including their own. It oversimplifies the complexity of human emotional processing and can lead to extremely detrimental side effects.
The Effects of Toxic Positivity
• It can coax a person into silence. Toxic positivity can lead a person to believe that their emotional experience is not worth talking through, and they might resort to suffering in silence. Enduring in isolation fuels depression and anxiety, while getting it out on the open is one of the most understated antidotes to someone’s mental health journey (hence, therapy!).
• It delegitimizes the human experience. One of the most elemental components of human connection is the fact that we all experience a wide array of emotions on the spectrum, and we typically do so together. When toxic positivity comes out to play, it discounts the very real worries people face on a daily basis, especially right now amidst a global pandemic: job loss, financial stress, relationship tension, you-name-it.
• It can actually lead to physical pitfalls, in addition to the psychological. Studies show that suppressed emotions can lead to physical tension and chronic pain. One of the brain’s natural inclinations is to process emotions by verbalizing them, which then quite literally moves the emotions out of the body. You know how people talk about holding your problems in your shoulders? That is exactly what happens when toxic positivity has its say.
• It can lead a person to profound shame. Whether you tend to be the poster child for toxic positivity or the victim of toxic positivity (note: you can be both*), it can result in a person feeling like something is wrong with them if they are having a hard time. A person can start feeling bad about their pain and suffering, which hinders any healing or problem solving and keeps them in a rut for so much longer than need be.
*If you are exactly who am I describing (i.e. a 24/7 ray of sunshine), first of all, that’s okay. I am not shaming your experience; I am merely helping you uncover a coping mechanism you might possess that is not healthy. More importantly, I am seeking to help you recognize that your toxic positivity is not only a detriment to others, but it is a detriment to you. It can lead to you feeling like you have to cope with everything with a sunny disposition, when in all reality, facing your emotions head on has been proven to be more beneficial to a person’s mental health.
Toxic Versus Non-Toxic Language
Toxic positivity can be hardwired. It can be engrained in your very core as a way to “help” others get by, while also aiming to help yourself persevere. Here are some phrases you might find yourself saying, as well as their much healthier counterparts:
TOXIC:
“Don’t even dwell on it! Stay positive.”
HEALTHY:
“Tell me more about how you’re feeling; I’m all ears.”
TOXIC:
“Everything will work out in the end!”
HEALTHY:
“I’m so sorry you’re struggling; I’m here for you while you work through this.”
TOXIC:
“If I can do it, so can you!”
HEALTHY:
“Everyone’s stories, experiences, and emotions are different, and that’s okay.”
TOXIC:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
HEALTHY:
“Man, that sounds really difficult. How can I help you during this time?”
One of the most imperative keys to being a healthy individual is being conscious of ourselves and how we exist in our world. How do we cope with emotions? What experiences are hindering our growth? What do we need to work through in order to move closer towards our deepest, inner self?
By dispelling toxic positivity and leaning into our emotions, we admit that— indeed— it’s okay not to be okay. There is no shame in sitting with our hurt in order to grow and better understand ourselves. It isn’t always “good vibes only;” sometimes it’s simply “growth always.”
