A Guide to Assessing Your Emotional Availability
“Emotionally unavailable” has become a distorted buzzword in our culture. We throw it around like it’s nothing, and we see it all over social media, especially with women coining men as emotionally unavailable just because a relationship doesn’t quite work out as hoped for.
Actually, many individuals don’t even know that they are the emotionally unavailable ones, women and men alike. Instead, they project their own emotional unavailability on the other person, when really, they have some inner work to do themselves.
This evasiveness can be tough to pinpoint in ourselves, though, because we are conditioned to avoid emotions at all cost: If we’re sad, we do everything we can to cheer ourselves up. If we’re angry, we push it down for fear of appearing aggressive. If we’re exhausted down to the fiber of our bones, we grin and bear it— God forbid we need a night to relax and rejuvenate!
This denial of our emotions is toxic, and it leads us to be unable to recognize when we are being emotionally unavailable ourselves. Experiencing our emotions is how we process life in a healthy way, and coming to terms with our own emotional unavailability is the key to making a positive change to let love in. Here are a few signs that someone is emotionally unavailable:
- Excessive flattery. If someone flirts with nothing but flattery, it might be a sign they’re skilled at short-term intimacy. Exploiting with upfront self-disclosure and vulnerability could be an indication that they might not be able to experience long-term commitment.
- Vulnerable statements. It’s a common mistake, but if your partner hints at not being good in relationships or thinking that marriage is a sham, believe them. What might come off as jokes or vulnerability is really a sign that they could be emotionally unavailable.
- Their previous relationships all ended when intimacy normally develops. If it seems like a pattern, it probably is. If relationships hit the fan every time you are getting closer, it might be time to consider your emotional status and seek professional guidance.
- Perfectionists. These people look for flaws in anyone and everyone that crosses their path, and this is often a sign of fear of intimacy. If they can’t find anything “wrong” with the other person, they will likely just find another excuse to end the relationship down the road.
- Early seduction cues. Seduction early on in a relationship can be a sign that person believes they don’t have anything else going for them to keep their partner around. Seduction is a power play that is about conquest, not authentic feelings, and it will be hurtful in the long run.
Instead of looking for signs around every corner, you can also ask yourself a few questions to raise your self-awareness about your own emotional availability. For example:
- Do you tend to make jokes about the opposite sex from a source of anger?
- Do you consider yourself independent to the degree of not needing anyone? (Read: 4 Ways to Improve Interdependence)
- Do you fear falling in love because you run the risk of getting hurt?
- Are you always waiting for the other show to drop?
- Do you keep your options open just in case something better comes along?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, it could be the case that you are emotionally unavailable, but this does not mean you are a lost cause. Counseling can help heal this fear of intimacy so that you can experience the true connection you deserve. Contact me today for help.
