ReBourne Wellness

Saying No Without Feeling Guilty

“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” -Lori Deschene

It’s one word comprised of only two letters. So why is it so hard to say? And when we do say it, why do we feel so darn guilty?

N-O. No. 

There can be many reasons we find this simple-at-surface-level word so hard to utter: We want to be there for the people we love, whenever they need us. We don’t want to appear selfish or uncooperative. We don’t want to be framed as rude; we’d like to keep our jobs; we want to keep the peace. 

But this all too often comes at a price: We stretch ourselves thin. We cram things in calendars that are already chalk-full or compromise our own wellbeing for the sake of others. We forfeit healthy boundaries for the approval we think we are getting by adding one letter and saying yes. We decide that being overwhelmed is better than jeopardizing our relationships. 

But all this achieves is compromising your mental health, and often times, others thinking that you will be there at their every beck and call. It is entirely possible to say no in a kind way without the seemingly inevitable feelings of guilt that come along with it. What matters is why, when, and how you say it.

Why, When, How

WHY: Why you say no is the most important component of all. If you’re just being selfish, then yeah, you’re being selfish, and this blog post isn’t quite for you. But if you lack the healthy boundaries and need to say no because you’ve developed anxiety as a result of being stretched thin or someone is taking advantage of the “yes” they’ve come to expect, then it’s warranted. 

WHEN: Sometimes a no is a definitive no, but sometimes it can be a “not right now.” If your schedule is filled to the brim for the next two weeks, but you foresee being able to help your friend paint her living room once those busy two weeks are up, voila! You’ve found an alternative. Similarly, you might have to wait to say no until the timing is better— For example, if your friend has suffered a breakup and wants you to watch her dog in three weeks while she goes on vacation, but you simply can’t take on that responsibility, maybe you wait a couple days before telling her no out of respect for her hurt. 

HOW: Be firm, and don’t feel like you have to justify yourself, but still be kind. Say something like: “As much as I would like to help you, I can’t right now.” Maybe you even help strategize alternatives: For example, if you were your friend’s last resort to watch her dog, send her a link for a boarding facility that you’ve heard great things about! 

Now for the fun part: How to avoid the guilt that you can’t seem to shake when you say no. 

Dodging the Guilt

Here are some tips to avoid feeling guilty when you say no out of protection of your own wellbeing: 

1. Become aware of how often other people say no sans repercussions. No, don’t compare yourself to others, but rather, take notice of how often people say no to protect their time and wellbeing. Even more importantly, take note of how little consequence it is: People are rarely as upset as you think they’ll be when you say no. 
2. Consider this: When you say no, you might be as helpful to the “asker” as you are to yourself. For example, perhaps your boss continues to pile an irrational amount of work on your plate before you even get the chance to check one task off your to do list. When you politely tell her you simply cannot handle another project without forsaking the quality of the other twenty on your desk, she perhaps learns the merit of quality over content, as well as takes note of how to treat her other employees. 
3. Stop thinking in worst case scenarios. The people who you love and want to help love you back. They understand that you are protecting your time and wellbeing, and although they might be momentarily disappointed, they will never be quite as mad as you think they will. And if they are: Are they even people that encourage your growth and mental health? 
4. Ask yourself: If I say no to this, what am I making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities to protect your focus, you will feel more internally justified by the means you took to do so (saying no!!) 
5. Make a counteroffer. If what someone is asking is too much, but you’d truly like to help, come up with a realistic alternative. For example, if a friend asks you to volunteer for four hours this weekend, but you simply can’t commit to that amount of time, propose helping for one or two hours instead.
6. Buy yourself a little time. If “no” might as well be in a foreign language to you (even though it’s one of the most universal words ever, but for the sake of the point), and you get overwhelmed saying no in the moment, utilize one of these assertive statements to help give you a little time:
   1. 1. “I need to check my calendar; I’ll get back to you.”
      2. “Let me check with my husband/wife/partner if we are free that day!”
      3. “I’ll have to call you back in a few minutes.”

Need any more tips? No? Look at you; you’re already getting better at saying it! 

But if you do need help breaking your people-pleasing ways, give me a call. We can work together to release you from that guilt and having you working more towards your goals and desires.